XV

frankadjective, [frangk]

  1. direct and unreserved in speech; straightforward; sincere
  2. without inhibition or subterfuge; direct; undisguised
  3. Pathology. unmistakable; clinically evident: frank blood.
  4. Archaic. liberal or generous.
  5. Obsolete. free. 

gonna be honest here. i’ve been trying to convince myself that everything has been alright, and maybe it has been, but today i sat down and listened to schubert’s lieder (from D672) and halfway through i was a clusterfuck of emotions. i couldn’t think straight, i was crying. i’d never had such a visceral reaction to anything like that. 

honestly, i don’t know what to make of college. i keep feeling like i’m not doing enough. all of the self-discovery from the gap year seems to be unraveling somehow. 

the bottom line is that i’m furious, frustrated, frantic. it was much easier when i could see what i wanted, even if it was naive, or even what other people wanted. now my life is turning into sylvia plath’s fig tree and i’m stuck counting the number of dead figs at my feet. 

breathe phoebe breathe don’t panic 

okay. trying to think of something else. odd things that i miss:

  • driving with car jam cds
  • tuning my bicycle
  • deserts and canyons
  • boiling water for tea

okay jeez okay. i’m better, i’m trying to keep myself busy, and i’m making another list of good things for this week. i’ll be okay. this will pass like autumn rain.