XXXI

small loves from winter break: making pizza, finding gorgeous dollops of rain on leaves, seeing the 20th anniversary screening of princess mononoke (i died!!), visiting Kelly and her husband and her little tiny baby, renovating my iTunes library (so much new music, I’m thrilled), lessons with Ethan, taking care of my mental health.

i spent a lot of time trying not to think, as in, switching off the stream-of-existential-thoughts-and-worries that often shadows me. i also spent time knuckling through those hard-hitting questions that come with every family reunion: how’s college? any idea what you want to do with your degree? after college? graduate school? what type of job do you want? (look. i don’t like these questions but they’re necessary. they don’t leave me feeling punchy and upbeat, but they are necessary. at least i can be honest with myself when i say that most of the answers are “i don’t know”).

one of the things about battling depression is to keep moving. walk miles at night, do sit-up after sit-up, listen to music. hard work is a lifeline. this is what i’m trying to learn: stop abandoning yourself. set goals, not dreams. it’s harsh, but i need to be tough with my own discipline if i’m going to survive this.

and, about this loneliness thing. i think a lot of it comes from the fact that i have a very hard time opening up to people unless i find it worth the effort and sweat and confusion. relationships can be messy, complicated, and endlessly frustrating, especially when i’m constantly carrying around this heaviness in my heart. but i came across this quote from tumblr (of all places), and it hit the nail on the head: “you need people or you won’t survive this.” keep them close to your heart.

all in all, though, it’s been a good few weeks. i’m happy. that’s all i’ll ask for right now.