XXXIV

haven’t written for a while. sorry about that.

these dormitory walls are the worst soundproof walls i’ve ever come across. the guy who cleans the floor bathrooms always plays loud worship music out of his little radio, and sometimes it’s endearing, but mostly it’s unbearably distracting, especially in the mornings. last night i kept waking up because people were scuffling around the hallway, coming back from parties and shushing each other and bumping into things. and of course, the car honks and sirens are always present.

so what have i been up to these past two weeks? a mixed bag, really. little triumphs and progress with my piano trio, which has been encouraging. i’m slowly battling my fear of singing in ear-training class. lots of laughter in italian, discussing mammoni and strozzapreti. i’ve also picked up battlefield where the moon says i love you once more—i’d abandoned it last semester in frustration, so now i’m revisiting it with less thought and more heart.

“tell me I am that which I am I am sleep and you are death we are one person getting up and going outside naked as a blue jay rolling our bellies at the moon oh brother tell me you love me and I’ll tell you too I want to know how do they like it when the ones who sung shake they leg on the Television I want to know Jesus don’t a blind man count no more some by signs others by whispers some with a kiss and some with a gun and some with a six bit fountain pen whoa lord help me and my brother help us get through this tookover land”

(Frank Stanford, The Battlefield Where the Moon Says I Love You)

some not as pleasant things: therapy, dissociation. it’s weird, knowing that a year or two ago, i would never have thought of myself as the person to sit in a counseling office and talk about becoming distant from people because i don’t want to be a burden—yet here i am. last session, he suggested that i try an appointment with a psychiatrist (upon hearing that, i freaked out internally). i’m really hoping that this, whatever this is, won’t involve medication. but, if it does, then so be it. all i want is to get better. god, that’s all i’m working toward.

anyway. i should get out of campus; perhaps see the cloisters or the emily dickinson exhibit at the morgan library. life is so fragile, so tedious. all beautiful things look even more radiant in the dying light.